Mittwoch, 11. Dezember 2013

UEFA Coefficient Fanfiction, Part 2

Warning: There be fanfiction.

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The continuing adventures of France, the UEFA coefficient


France was furious as she stood staring at Russia's house. She had transferred her anger from her younger sister Portugal onto a more deserving target in Russia. Italy had unceremoniously rejected France's younger sisters advances anyway. He claimed that he wanted to stay single for now and had no desire get closer to Portugal, plus he still had his sight set on Germany, who had been so successfull last season. Even if the shine was starting to come off slightly.

France though had bigger problems than thinking about the unhealthy love- hate relationship between Italy and Germany. Russia was stalking her and this being Russia we're talking about it was quite a scary situation to be in. She had realised this with quite a shock during the last couple of month. First it had been nothing but a vague feeling, the one that somebody is watching you while you are not looking. Eyes staring when your back is turned. She had told herself not to be paranoid, but then she had noticed a figure moving in the shadows, following her where ever she was going. France's delicate nervous costume, already not in the best of shapes after the stunt her younger sister Portugal had pulled on her, was close to a breakdown.

One day she had met Ukraine while shopping. Ukraine was an easy guy to talk to, and needing someone to share her worries with to she had told him about her suspicions. Ukraine nodded. "Ah, yes, I know who is stalking you, you are not paranoid. It's my sister Russia. She seems to have developed an...unfortunate obsession to coming closer to you, overtaking you, as she put it." Poor Ukraine blushed and looked very uncomfortable. He didn't dare tell France that he was somewhat crushing on her too.

But France was not interesting in Ukraine anyway. Instead she was furious, first her sister Portugal, now she was being stalked by Russia?! It was too much.

So she had marched up to Russias house in righteous anger and knocked at the door loudly. It took sometime before Russia came and opened the door. She was dressed quite richely (a symbol of her new found wealth and status since the end of communism), and there was something about her smile that set France on edge. Russia was scary. "Oh France, how lovely to see you. How may I help you?" Russia said.

France took a deep breath: "I noticed that you were stalking me and I want you to stop it!" Russia just kept on smiling amicably. "Oh, you noticed me following you? Don't worry about that, I have since decided I'd rather go out with your sister Portugal, she is much more attractive than you." And with that parting shot Russia closed the door in France's face.

France fell to her knees, a terrible wail of anguish forcing itself from her throat. "Poooooooortuuuugaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!"

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Over in Romania's house, the support group for depressed leagues was meeting to welcome their new member Netherlands, a pretty girl prone to anxiety attacks. Unlike Romania, Norway and Scotland who by now had arranged themselves with their fate (with the help of some Whiskey generously provided by Scotland for those occasions). There had been some discussion whether Netherlands even qualified as a depressed league, considering her still comparatively high standings, but Scotland had argued that your position didn't matter, it mattered how you felt. Netherlands downwarde slide was recent and she was still in the stage where every result was watched with apprehension.

"Just relax and let it come to you," Scotland advised sagely. "There is no needs to stress yourself over the results, just enjoy the European nights against the big teams. Being the underdog is fun, and if you have success against the odds everyone will praise you." Netherlands wrung her hands. "It's just so difficult to let go when you had such good times, you know? Ajax and Feyenoord and PSV, I used to have such excellent clubs represent me in our competitions. And now, I have to be glad when my clubs make it through the qualifiers!"

Norway nodded in understanding, he had gone through a similar development (though on a smaller scale) with Rosenborg. Scotland and Romania looked at Netherlands sympathetically and Scotland handed her the Whiskey bottle without comment.

Netherlands accepted the bottle and took a deep mouth full of Whiskey. She ignored the moving coffin lid behind her.

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At the top, Spain was still regarding the squabbling of the other leagues with faint amusement.

Donnerstag, 13. Juni 2013

Namibia vs Nigeria, WCQ Report

So then, I went to see my first ever World Cup Qualifying Game in Africa...

Since I am currently in Namibia I decided to seize the opportunity and go watch the the Brave Warriors (Namibia) take on the Super Eagles of Nigeria, reigning African Cup of Nations Champions. And it was a super fun experience, for the fraction of the price of what I'd have to pay to see Germany play.

Just to provide a bit of background: Namibia are currently 120th in the FIFA World Rankings, missing several of their best players through injury and had just lost their Swedish coach Roger Palmgren who resigned just this past weekend, citing threats against his family. Though rumour has it that he wants to join compatriot Sven Goran Erikson on a more lucrative coaching gig in China. Anyways, not the best preparations for the Brave Warriors to face a Nigeria including Chealsea's John Obi Mikel and a full contingent of professionals plying their trade all over Europe. Including Köln's very own Anthony Ujah.

The situation in the group was thus that Nigeria were already on eight points, Malawi on six, Namibia on four and Kenya just on two. A win for Nigeria would already have certainly qualified them for the World Cup in Brazil.

On to the actual match. The match took place at the Sam Nujoma Stadium in Katutura, Windhoek. It's the national stadium (capacity 10 300 which seems not much by European standards, but then Namibia only has about 2 million inhabitants). Since public transports not really a thing in Namibia we took the car and when we arrived a quater to kick- off we could already see that the game would be a big event, by Namibian standards (usually the stadium is three- quaters empty for NT games). But the Super Eagles are a big draw- since there also is a sizable Nigerian minority living and working in Namibia- and parking was hard to come to. The designated parking lot in front of the stadium was already filled to the brim, and people had taken to just parking their cars anywhere on the sidewalks were there was space. Luckily we found a nice space there also for our small car and just walked the rest of the way on foot with the crowd.

The atmosphere was brimming with excitement, people carrying Namibia flags, cooking traditional meat on the sideways and a general buzz in the air, though everything was peacefull. We got inside the stadium without problems (and minimal security checks) and found ourselves a nice place on the main stand. I was impressed with how clean and modern everything was, from the artificial turf, to the floodlights, to the actual stands (though I didn't check out the toilet facilities. *ahem*). There were no plastic seats, instead we sat on the usual concrete slabs, but had come prepared with blankets knowing this. The stadium was three- quaters full, one of the best attendences for Namibia I've seen.

The actual match was occassionally  low on quality, as you'd expect when the FIFA World Ranking Nr. 120 is playing. Nigeria dominated the first half though Namibia fought really well and managed to go into half- time with a very respectable 0-0 scoreline. I was really enarmoured with the atmosphere, I must say. There wasn't the 90 minutes organized Ultra chanting like in Germany, but there were Vuvuzelas, Drums, and a constant buzz of  "Ooohs" and "Aaahs" and shouts of encouragment or disappointment.

In the second half Namibia really started taking the game to Nigeria, who looked increasingly out of ideas (playing at 1800 m altitute might also have played a role). When Namibia took the lead through a well worked attack and a really nice sidevolley, the crowd went absolutely crazy, to an extent I've seldom seen in Germany, with people running up and down the aisles hugging everyone or even spontaniously starting to dance :D. Nigeria equalized soon after, with a direct freekick, pretty much their only chance in the second half.

Anyways, the match ended 1-1, which was a fair result and a decent result for Namibia. When we left, we saw that we were lucky to have parked outside the designated parking lot because it was absolute chaos, with cars trying to go this way and that, all pointing in different directions, while the pedestrians where blocking all the exits. But since we had parked outside we had no problems leaving. Overall, I really enjoyed both the match and the atmosphere, everyone stayed friendly, and it was a great experience.


Mittwoch, 6. März 2013

UEFA Coefficients: The fanfiction


Because it needed to be done.

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France was furious. She'd recently won the lottery and used the money for a complete make- over- new hair, new teeth, new dresses, new everything- but the other leagues still were ignoring her. Many of her children, the ungrateful bastards, had moved out to Newcastle and London in search of jobs and money (bloody Hollande and his 75 percent tax rate). All she'd gotten in return was an ex- convict with a twitter addiction and an aging former underwear modell. Though he at least was good for a spot of publicity. Even her little sister, Portugal, garnered more attention than her, with everybody complimenting her on her natural loveliness. To make matters worse, both sisters had developed a crush on Italy and were vying for his attention.

"How could you betray me like this?" France had challenged Portugal when the two had last met. "Italy is the love of my life, for years I have been trying to get closer to him, and then you just come along and challenge me like this." Tears shimmered in her eyes.

"I am sorry sister," Portugal replied, not quite sincerely, "but I just couldn't wait anymore, for years I have stood by and watched you do nothing. I tried relationships with Russia, the Netherlands and Ukraine, but they were not what I wanted. I want to reach higher. I believe I can do better, and you will not stop me." At this point France had left the room, slamming the door shut behind her, not being able to take it anymore.

Then there was Germany, of course. Not only had he completely ignored her, even when he'd fallen on such hard times that he'd been forced to loan money from Romania, but had then started a drawn out and complicated  love- hate relationship with Italy. And everbody knew that Italy had his best times behind him! The transplanted hair and fancy clothes barely concealing the ravages of time, his whole infrastructure creaking. But then Germany- who was currently going through a hipster phase, scarf, horn- rimmed spectacles and low- slung skinny jeans included- had unceremoniously dumped Italy only to focus his attention on England next, still ignoring poor France. England! Who herself was going through a mid life crisis if sorts. She'd been at the hight of her powers, but recently she was starting to question herself after having already lost top spot to Spain.

France sighed and flopped down on her bed. She would show them all, she swore to herself, for now she had a knight in shining armour, who would win the tournament for her.

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At the same time, Romania was hosting a party for leagues that had fallen on hard times in his basement. Scotland sat next to him, moodily munching on a piece of haggis and listening to him whine. "I used to be a star," Romania complained. " Up and coming. A big future ahead of me, they said. And now look at me. I don't even get invited into the jungle camp, and they take every Z- list celebrity they can get." "Ay, I know what you mean. I never used to be a huge star but still got my fair share of attention. And now? Nothing." Scotland agreed sadly while examining a couple of coffins stacked against the wall at the far side of the room. She could have sworn she'd seen one of the lids move but put it down to too much vodka.

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Meanwhile, Spain was looking down at them all and quietly laughing to herself.

Freitag, 30. November 2012

The worst each league has to offer Pt 2

The worst each league has to offer Pt. 2

First, I apologize for the long delay between posts.

Anyway, after looking at the worst the Bundesliga and Premierleague has to offer fan- wise, on to the next part...as always not to be taken quite seriously...

The Serie A whiner

The Serie A whiner is characterized by the need to complain. About everything. How unfair it is that the Europaleague accounts for an equal amount of Coefficient points as does the Championsleague (despite these rules being in place for years). How this disadvantages Italian clubs because they can't be bothered to take this "loser" competition seriously as oppossed to their German and Spanish counterparts. How Platini should immediatly reform this, it is all a giant UEFA conspiracy against Italy anyway ( though interestingly all fans always seem to think that their league is singled out for discrimination by UEFA for the most spurious of reasons). How everybody in the International press only focusses on the negatives of Italian football (match- fixing, diving, empty stadia, violence and racism). Though I concede they may have a legitimate gripe with the last point. But the reason for the malaise is always attributed to external factors instead of engaging in a bit of self- reflection

The La Liga Purist

The La Liga purist sneers at teams that don't play a certain style of football. God beware that someone plays a bit of a more physical game, as characterized in its most pure form by Stoke, or that a referee takes a more lenient line towards tackling and the use of physical tools in a game, the poor sod will be torn apart by fans and press afterwards. The really grating thing is that the non- physical, passing game (as embodied by the admittedly brilliant Barcelona) is elevated to a position of religion, no alternative styles accepted. It is not the preference for one style of football over the other that is so irritating, it is the negation that it is especially the difference between the different ways of playing football that actually make the beautifull game "beautifull".

The MLS Inferiority Complex

I read a lot of US- American and Canadian soccer blogs, and one thing noticable is a bloody irritating inferiority complex MLS fans struggle with. Yes, it is a relatively young league, and football is not the major sport in the USA or Canada, but this is no reason to go into deep bouts of navel- gazing, including the tedious topic of whether you call it "soccer" or "football", what everybody will think about MLS, David Beckham, etc. Or conversely go the other way complaining about "Eurosnobs" and see insults and condescendation whenever there are reports about the MLS in the non- American press. Just relax.

Anyway, that is all for now.




Samstag, 26. Mai 2012

The worst each league has to offer

Inspired in equal parts by a conversation on twitter, Dietmar Wischmayer and my sociology studies:

Each league has great fans, and it is the fooball fans that make that sport such an unforgettable experience. However, each league also has the fans that irritate the heck out of other fans. So, without further ado, here is my sociological break- down of the worst the Bundesliga and the Premier League has to offer.

The Bundesliga- Besserwisser: Since it is good form to start with your own league first, I give you the Bundesliga- Besserwisser. The direct translation of the beautiful German word "Besserwisser" is "better- knower", i.e. a know- it- all. In my opinion that describes the typical worst Bundesliga fan very well. He or she has an opinion on everything, even if it is not always supported by fact and can easily preach on the debts of La Liga clubs, matchfixing and empty stadia in Serie A, oligarchs and sheiks in the PL, etc and so on while at the same time going on about the great fans and fiscal sanitiy in the Bundesliga (even if this does not correspond with reality). This way, the Besserwisser does not try to talk up the Bundesliga but to put down the other leagues, thus making the Bundesliga the best league in Europe by default.

If I am honest with myself (and as a scholar of Platon I strife towards selfknowledge above else ;)), I find myself slipping into this Besserwisser mode from time to time. When Atletico Madrid won the Europaleague, I couldn't help snidely mentioning that they apparently have 150 Million Euro of outstanding tax not payed yet...

The PL- Fanboy: Next, there is the Premier League Fanboy. This species of fan can be identified that for him, the PL is everything and nothing exists apart from it. Other players and coaches are only discussed in terms of which PL team could use and sign them, even when there is NO indication that said player or coach has any interest coming to the PL. See Henry Winter commenting that Schweinsteiger would do well at Manchester United, or the way that Arsenal fans and the medie seem to be trying to offload Nikolas Bendtner on Dortmund, and want Kagawa in exchange (something that I find particularly galling as a Dortmund fan, we don't want or need the guy!). Aditionally, clubs that perform well against English clubs become the flavour of the month (Athletic Bilbao, Basel shortly before they were taken apart by Bayern Munich.

Mittwoch, 9. Mai 2012

Dortmund and the difficult next step

So then, the second Bundesliga title has been bagged for Dortmund, and with reaching the final of the DFB- Pokal against Bayern, I think it's fair to say that it has been a more than successfull domestic season for Dortmund. Additionally, Dortmund finished the season with a whopping 81 points and played some really lovely football to boot at well.

This is in oppossition to our showings in Europe though, where we came fourth in a group containing Arsenal (in crisis at the time), Marseille (who generally were not that impressive) and Olympiakos Piräus (not very impressive either). I must admit that I was disappointed and emberassed by our weak showing. The early exit from the European competitions probably helped our league form, which really picked up after the winter break, i.e. when we were out of all European competitions. The question is, what does Dortmund do to reach that next step, the ability to compete on both the domestic and the European front, to represent the Bundesliga befitting of a German champion and to push into that circle of truly elite teams?

The first point, imho, is: experience. It was noticable, the way that our defense for example, that hardly set a foot wrong during the whole season (apart from one crazy 4-4 against Stuttgart perhaps) looked like Kreisklasse players on the international parquett. The way that Hummels was letting himself being duped by the Marseille strikers had my jaw dropping at times. Hopefully this will be better as our young key players continue to amass valuable experience, also with their national teams.

This leads me to point two: Keep the stars. We sold Nuri Sahin last season to go and sit in the stands at Real Madrid and struggled the first half of the season, especially since poor Sven Bender picked up one facial injury after the other and Ilkay Gündogan took until the second half of the season to really get going. Now, Barrios is already gone chasing the big bucks in China, which makes it imperative that we at least keep Lewandowski. He still has contract until 2014, and Watzke has already come out and pretty much said that he wont be sold. Kagawa however is a different story. Only one year left on the contract and with rumoured interest from big clubs from England. If the offer is right, he might well be off.

One of the problems is the wage structure. Dortmund so far have got by with paying roughly between 40 to 50 million Euro in wages annually. However, the truly big football clubs pay in excess of a 100 million Euro (even including such nominally financially moderate clubs such as Arsenal). Dortmund has already used the contract of extensions of players such as Götze to increase their salary, but the question of course is, how far can the club go? Especially since the spector of the 2005 near- insolvency still looms large. One positive sign is that the financial development continues to be very good, and Dortmund has managed to sign better sponsorship deals thanks to our success on the domestic level.

Well then, the next European season is certainly going to be interesting.

Freitag, 27. April 2012

Confessions of a UEFA Coefficient Junkie

Ah yes, the UEFA Coefficients. Let me come straight out and say it: I am an UEFA- Coefficient Junkie, or Jünger (deciple) as I have heard it referred to on the internet.

For the Uninitiated: the UEFA Coefficients (or the UEFA- Fünfjahreswertung in German) is the way that UEFA regulates how many teams each member country sends to its competitions, i.e. the Champions League and the Europaleague. The method is thus: Every win by one of the teams in your league playing in European competitions gets you 2 points, a draw 1 and a loss logically 0 points. All the points are divided by the number of teams your league sends into Europe. The statistics are collated for 5 years, updated at the end of every season. Europaleague and Champions League wins count the same, though there are bonus points for reaching both the groupstages and the knock- out rounds in the Champions League.

Example: Bayern Munich vs Real Madrid. Bayern win the game 2-1. So, two points for a win, divided by six, which is the number of teams that the Bundesliga had participating in Europe in the 2011/2012 season. All too briefly in the case of Dortmund :(. But that is a topic for a whole other post on its own.

My fandom stated in 2008, I actually don't remember what the concrete event was. I came across a mention of the Coefficients and thought: This looks interesting. So I decided to do what every person nowadays does: ask Google. Google gave me http://kassiesa.home.xs4all.nl/bert/uefa/ , run by a Dutch blogger and statistics lover, in English, Mr. Bert Kassies. One klick, and it was love at first site for me. I was hooked. I was sinking, being pulled ever deeper into the maze of numbers, the ups and downs of coutries I did not even care about. But I could not resist. Who would win the 15th spot? Why did Romania first race up the table, only to plunge down again even faster? Through the Coefficients I started caring more about the UEFA- Cup/the Europaleague. And not just the groupstages, but all the pre-qualifying rounds too. The statistics fascinated me, and I'm not even a numbers person. Aditionally  learned more about leagues and clubs outside the traditional big four or five.

It also helped, that around that time there were first signs of a Bundesliga recovery, who had posted an annus horribilis in 2003/04, when not a single German team had managed to reach the knock- out rounds of the UEFA competitions. However, by 2008 some clever people were noticing that the Bundesliga was staging a come- back and might even be able to overtake the Serie A in third spot, the last spot that gives you three Champions League teams. That slow overtaking manouver, which was only complete after 2010/2011 was utterly fascinating to watch, provided much discussion and often left me chewing my fingernails when German clubs were playing in Europe.

Now that Germany has pretty much secured the third place with the distance to Serie A now being more than 15 points, a huge gap by coefficient standards, I am more relaxed in my fandom. I still follow the ups (Portugal) and downs (Scotland) keenly and probably will continue to do so since I know few things less fascinating than the UEFA- Coefficients in European football.

All that is left for the Bundesliga Clubs is to actually win a title again...preferably sometime soon.